Dear LeBron,

I’m guessing that this is a strange time for you what with your new team and new status as the most hated man in America, I’m also guessing you can take the heat and the Heat a long way into the playoffs. I’m not at all happy about this, I mean I’m a Pistons fan and would step on the gas if I saw Alonzo Mourning or Pat Riley crossing the street in front of me but like you I’m also a pragmatist.

You chose Miami because you’ve got a good chance to win there and excellent teammates; it is a better situation for you than Cleveland, no matter what people say about your legacy as a failure in your home state. I wanted you to stay in Cleveland too but that was because I knew you weren’t going to win a damn thing there.

But your pragmatic decision has spurred me to make one of my own and I’m extending the offer of my services as a backup point guard. Mario Chalmers needs someone to give him a rest now and then and you can’t afford anyone else so I’m in for the minimum with a few conditions.

First between you, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh you need to sort me out a place to stay, a personal chef and trainer, a visa for my girl and a new Surly Cross-Check bicycle to get me to practice and games. Oh and tell Dwyane to hook me up with a full seasons worth of the DWade 2’s from Converse (his Nikes, and yours, don’t work for me). In return you’ll get my best efforts as a teammate and a player.

A little about me I’m comparable to a number of NBA greats given that I; weigh as much as Allen Iverson, run the floor like Dikembe Mutumbo, have the same complexion as Chris Mullin and Clyde Drexler’s receding hairline. On a serious note there are going to be a lot of open jumpers with the three of you drawing double teams and I will knock those down consistently in practice, in games, in the playoffs. I’m talking 50% plus and I’m serious whatever else I can or cannot do with a basketball I can knock down the open jumper.

As a teammate you’ll find me quiet, friendly, professional and sarcastic. I’m also the guy who’ll tell you when you’re full of shit and, let’s be honest, you need that guy in your life, badly.

As for the rest of the bench I have a few suggestions; Dennis Rodman, Rolando Blackman and Theo Ratliff. Like me they bring some specific skills and they’re what you can afford plus they’re the guys I want to talk too while y’all are running up the score.

Talk to your people and let me know and remember I come to win.

peace,

Ryan J. Barber