I received a call last night from the NRA. It seems they have a new gun for pizza exchange program, encouraging citizens to exchange extra guns for pizza. Not a bad swap. The NRA then takes the gun from their warm, cheezy smelling hand, and donates it to a family without one. I know it sounds nice, but I was a little offended by the proposal.

First, just because a family doesn’t have a registered firearm does not mean that they have no firearm at all. I have had many dogs, ducks, chickens, cats, rabbits, and a pony who never had any tags. I have had cars sitting on my front lawn for years that weren’t registered. I have pretended to attend whole years of school without registering.

Second, I was put off by the idea that I need a gun. I am after all head instructor and imam at Flying Monkey Gong Fu School, just east of Lynn, MA. I became a martial arts instructor back in 2000 when I developed my first Tai-Chi workout program. It is the WU family very short four movement form. I have had tremendous success with this over the years. With post 9-11 backlash in full swing in early 2002 I decided I needed to focus on a harder style.

I visited the zoo to watch the animals. The one that spoke to me the most was the monkey. The monkey style has already been well developed for centuries but I added a weapons component to it.

I now always carry with me a small satchel filled with my own poop. Sometimes I randomly throw it at people, and sometimes I keep it safely tucked away, just in case. Many of my students have had success with this technique, throwing their own poop at people and escaping potential hazardous situations.

So Charlton Heston and the rest of you folks at the NRA, I say thanks but no thanks.

Mr. M. Walton