Somewhere in Sidharttha there is a thought about sinking like a stone to the bottom of the water. 

My comments:  Moving towards a goal requires both very little and at the same time everything.  No striving, and yet great effort. 

empty mind no mind

I sit down with Jillian my former coworker and sometimes language exchange partner we’re chatting first in English then in Chinese, writing down each others mistakes when she gets a message. I ask, “Who is it?”

She says, “My boyfriend.”

She didn’t have a boyfriend before, now she does. This cute early 20’s girl has a foreign boyfriend. She tells me he’s thirty one. It makes me want to get up and walk out right then.

I know it’s not about me but it’s really hard not to take it personally when you see never ending streams of total dumb fucks, fat, ugly, stupid, drunken, sexist dumb fucks all running around with hot girlfriends… hot girls that know me, like me and would never date me.

I know it’s not about me or them, but one half of the reason I wanted to be able to kill people with my hands back in high school was to end the lives of bullies. The other half was to put the fear of God into dumb fucks with hot, sweet, cool girlfriends. Put the fear into them and then kill them if the fear didn’t change them.

I know it’s not about me or them, I’ve come far enough to know that even when I’m a proficient fighter capable of killing it won’t be my place to right the world. I know that anyone who takes up his sword against the unrighteous will never be able to put it down. I know all of this and so I’m left to deal with this feeling.

This rejection, this confusion. I’m not that ugly, I’m not stupid, I’m pretty nice and kind of funny, I’m not so fat anymore so why can’t I get a date. What do the dumb fucks have that I don’t? Why do they have the girl and I’m continually offered painful life lessons on dealing with rejection?

Do I just cry out for the kind of wisdom that only comes from pain? Because I’ve been told twice this week that my standards are too high, which basically means you’re not good enough to date these girls.

Is it that I’m strong enough to take it? Are these girls worried that the dumb fucks will drink themselves to death if they’re rejected but certain that I’ll go on and be happy any way?

Is there another plan for me? One that I still can’t see but am forced continually toward?

I don’t know, all I can say is what I feel and that’s hurt. Hurt by this continual rejection I’m offered. I’m doing my best to embrace the pain and let it go, but you know sometimes it’d be nice if life had a face, it’d be nice to return some of the pain to the source of the pain.

If you see me with a black eye it may be because I’ve finally decided to do just that.

Sometimes answers come from strange places and sometimes they come from a guy like Phil. I’ll leave you to decide if that’s one and the same thing, and just direct you all to this website. They offer in one year a master’s degree and a teaching certification. Thoughts?

Three times recently I’ve noticed that my conversations of late have been an exchange of monologues without much true conversation. I noticed it first in the conversation that involved the most communication. It was Saturday morning and Scott stopped by to chat while I was practicing tai chi chuan.

He had a lot on his mind and it just started spilling out; this girl he met, animal totems that have appeared to him through his life, the interface between this world and the spirit world, the meaning of life. It was all good stuff and I listened and was able to add in comments that Scott responded too. It was a conversation but he obviously had a lot to say and needed someone to say it to.

Later that night I was eating dinner with Andy, he was drinking Taiwan beer and I was drinking this barley tea they have we were both eating and waiting out the rain. It was late and we were tired we talked back and forth but neither one of us was really in the conversation, not at least as far as I can tell.

This morning I met up with Paul and Eckart and Joyce. E & J are getting married and would like Paul to do the wedding photos, I was there as a peripheral part of the introduction having lived in Taiwan long enough to be the one connecting people. It is an odd role for me and not one I’m used to, I don’t really like networking and I dislike synergy (at least the word, not so much the actual thing) but that’s the way it was.

So I found myself sitting there with these people who’re varying degrees of friend, listening to them discuss the wedding photo ideas, Paul’s photographic philosophy, South African history and so on. I wasn’t necessary, my small role facilitating the meeting smoothing things was over, I contributed a comment when I could and had something to say. But mostly I was there on the periphery observing but not doing much more.

All of this made me think a bit about where I’m at. I have the good fortune to know a number of quality people. I matter to them in various ways one of them being that I try to listen to people and usually appear to be listening. Another being that I understand or seem to understand them and I accept them.

I am happy to be this person and lucky to be this person. At the same time I feel like I’m not doing very well with this role because I’m so caught up in my own worries. From job concerns to figuring out a workable plan for the next few years, to having a healthy, joyful relationship (at least I have the woman in mind) I’m just pretty wrapped up in my own nonsense. Nonsense isn’t the right word but at the same time it is.

Also by playing this role I think I hide a lot. I try to listen and try to care and that’s hiding or something like it. I mean I do care but I also don’t care, partly I’m listening just to keep from thinking about my own worries.

Any way, at least I’ve labeled this post appropriately.

An income is coming.

I have a publishing meeting.

I talked to the woman I like after several days, she made a point to explain that she was busy and not avoiding me.

I’m learning to work with my insecurities about women and about teaching kids because I HAVE to, ha, ha.

Bike trips on old roads with new friends.

The fact that we’re here drawing breath aware of that breath.

A few days with low humidity.

The Orlando Magic taking the Cleveland Cavaliers out behind the barn and putting them down.

Unexpectedly meeting friends online.

Because it feels good.