June 21st, 2010
I had pretty given up on writing. There really is nothing new to rant about. It has all been the same stuff, repeated over and over. I guess I had given up, but, as I sit here on the cusp of another melt down, I realize that the cathartic value of writing this page was something I vastly underestimated.
It came on, as it always seems at first, out of the blue, and on reflection, as they always are, the warning signs were all there.
Thoughts of self harm, hopelessness , things slipping out of control.
Those closest to me, that really know me, must be thinking “What the hell is wrong with this guy, he is on top of the world, he finally got his shit together, got an incredible woman, what the hell does he have to be depressed about?”
Like an alcoholic who thinks he has beaten his disease, I failed to recognize one infallible truth, that I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. I thought, wrongly, that I had this thing beat, so, like our fictional addict, I stopped working my program, ignored the warning signs, and here I am again, one step away from another visit to the happy house.
I had an incredible weekend. Cooking as a housewarming present for some new friends,spending time with Mona, why should I acknowledge the fact that I was not eating right, not meditating, not sleeping, not managing my stresses both at work and at home, not exercising…not doing anything that would allow me to continue living this wonderful life that fate has handed me.
I ignored the thoughts of self harm, I must just be tired, after all, I would never do anything like that, right?
I allowed my personal affairs to slide into disarray, those dishes piling up, the laundry left undone, clothes not put away, I am just busy right? I will catch up NEXT weekend, but next weekend never came, but hey, thats life.
Why should I worry about the emotional highs and lows that seemed to come at random, everyone has moods that change in a matter of moments, I am NORMAL dammit!
I mean, there I was, stressed to my very core that I was going to somehow ruin a meal I had made a hundred times, telling myself that even if they enjoyed it, they were only saying so to be polite, even though I know rationally that my BBQ rocks.
So I hear I sit, trying desperately to undo a months worth of harmful behavior, trying to decide if I need to go to the hospital after another night of tossing and turning.
I want to enjoy this life I have made for myself…I have everything I need, real friends who love me for who I am, not what I can do for them, a good job that, deep down, and don’t tell my boss this, that I enjoy and find challenging, and an incredible woman who is determined to see me through my darkest of days and who acknowledges that she can’t fix my problems, only support me while I fix them myself.
I want desperately to do right by all these people, but the only way to that is to do right by myself.
To those of you reading this who are new to my life, let me assure you, YOU did not cause this, YOU can not fix this, only I can.
To those of you who have been down this road with me before, well, here we go again. I have had a real good example of what can happen when these type of issues are not dealt with and that is a road I refuse to travel.