The Angry Jew

The rantings of an Angry Jew in The Pacific Northwest

Here is a photo snapped by Grandma Jeanie as I hold Conner for the second time.

Is that Love or Terror in my eyes? I am not saying.

For a guy who has never had much luck dealing with his emotions, it has been a roller coaster of a weekend.

On Friday morning, I awoke to a text message from Contractor Dave, his son Conner was on his way.  The Happy Pirates water had broken at about three thirty in the morning and they had been at the hospital since 4.

After a quick call to see what, if anything, they needed, I got myself put together and headed over to the hospital to visit before work.

The Happy Pirate looked great if somewhat strained during my brief visit.  Most of the family had been run off by the hospital staff.  I guess people congregating is frowned upon, a by product of the H1N1 virus.  She was only at 1 centimeter dilation, so it was going to be a long haul.  I gave my best wishes and headed off to work after soliciting a promise from Dave that he would call if anything changed.

Work that night was an unmitigated disaster.  Way to bad to go into, but lets just say I was not going to be much good to the family.

My plan was to make an appearance, stay for a bit, then head home and wallow in the fact that I felt like I had screwed the pooch, even though there was plenty of blame for the night to spread around.

Like most of the plans I make, it did not last the first shot of the battle.

When I arrived, I was instantly enveloped in the family warmth that is Contractor Dave and his clan.

When I arrived, Dave and his family were settled into the delivery waiting area.  There was his dad, Joe, his mom, Jeanne, and his sister Michelle.

Marie, The Happy Pirate, was resting in the delivery room, watched over by her mom.

I was brought up to speed, that is to say I tried to not look too ignorant as they shared way too much information on dilation, cord blood, mucus plugs and the other various nasty bits that couples learned as part of the child birth process.

I guess it was around 1230-1 when Dave got called back into the room.

Things were starting to happen.

The rest of us made ourselves as comfortable as we could on the truly bad furniture provided for expectant families.  A rump sprung couch, some straight backed chairs.  I watched Castaway on Michelle’s portable DVD player and debated the merits of leaving to grab a shower and a change of clothes.  I decided to gut it out, a decision I regretted as the night wore on.

I just knew that if I left I would miss out on the big event, and, well, to be honest, I was really enjoying the feeling of inclusion that always goes along with spending time with Dave’s family.

We received text message updates from the delivery room as to what was going on. I have to imagine that more then one family member must have lost it to the pressure of the unknown back in the days before cell phones.

Around 4am, 25 hours since the whole thing began, we received word that Marie was in the home stretch, the baby had crowned, a bit of hair had been seen.

Dave’s Mom, who had been about ready to pass out, became a force of nature.  She wore a whole in the carpet, along with a nice grove in the floor.

At 4:57 AM we received the word, Conner Aaron Ayala had joined the family of man.

They were hugs, tears, and Dave’s Mom, if possible, became even more energized.  She wanted in to see her Grandson.

When Marie’s mom came out, there was a loud crack, this would be the sonic boom created by Jeanne’s passage to get at her new Grandson.  Marie’s mom filled us in on the details as we all waited our turn to see the newest addition to the family.

Next in was Grandpa, then Auntie Michelle.

Marie’s sister, Christine arrived as I waited for my turn.  I figured she would go next, blood is blood after all, but Jeannie insisted I go next as I had been part of the vigil.  I assured them I would be quick.

My plan was to offer a quick congrats to Mom and Dad, take a peek at the little critter and steal away for an overdue reunion with my bed.

Again, the best laid plans…

When I got into the room, Marie was half conscious, but looking great.  Dave was walking about three feet off the floor, his new son in his arms.  A nurse took him to get his footprints, apparently the last step in the welcome process, and I got my first good look at him.

I have always said that there is no such thing as a “cute” newborn.  That they all looked pretty much the same, like a boiled chicken.  This assertion was based on exactly zero first hand experience.  I had to admit, this was a pretty darned cute kid.  A smattering of brown hair, no eyebrows or eyelashes.  He didn’t have the “cone head” I expected, and was a uniform reddish/pink.

Like I said, cute.

“So, you want to hold him?” Dave asked.

FUCK NO.

The way I see things, this is their new toy.  They should have the fun of breaking it.  I found it like someone offering you the chance to drive their new Ferrari Testerosa five minutes after they drove it off the showroom floor.

Who wants to be the one to be the one to get the first door ding?

Well, Dave was not going to be denied the opportunity to make me squirm.

After receiving what I thought was an all too brief set of instructions, shouldn’t a test be required for something like this, he put Conner in my arms.

My heart exploded, then melted, then changed to jello.

I have never experienced anything like it.  I don’t even want to try to describe it, words won’t do the feeling justice.

…and then he moved.

…His eyes opened.

…He looked into my soul.

…and then he started to fuss.  Just a little.  Moved his little hands, wiggled his little head, and i did what any well adjusted single man with zero experience would do.

PANIC!!!!

Dave took him from me and smiled.

…then he laughed.

Then I laughed and thanked God for the dimly lit room.  I hoped he would not see the tears welling in my eyes.

I said my good nights and beat feet back to the waiting room on rubbery legs.

The rest of the family was gone, only Christine was there.

She saw my eyes and knew.  She was a mom herself and understood.

The Angry Jew, a tower of jello.

I swore to her to secrecy.  After all, I have a reputation as a curmudgeon to protect.

As she left to see her nephew, she promised to keep my secret, which I am sure she did, right until she stepped into the room with the new parents.

When is someone going to step up and tell FOX that they either need to stop calling themselves a news channel, lest another dim bulb start quoting it me, or Rupert Murdoch needs to just pull the plug.

It’s bad enough that last week they were outed by the worlds greatest living investigative journalist, none other the Mr. Jon Stewart, twice in the last week for their use of stock footage from previous events as supposed live footage from conservative political events, but now, the sharp eyed Angry Jew has caught them in the act.

Check out this footage aired as live from a Sarah Palin book signing event held this week.



You dont have to be that astute to see that is no book signing, it’s file footage from last years Presidential campaign.

Enough is enough Rupert.

Either rebrand your so called news team as entertainment, or pull the plug.

These lame ass attempts to pump up the conservative right are getting down right laughable.

Kimberly posted the following comment on “Suck In That Gut” on my Facebook page, and I thought I would post it here.

Interesting. Celie has a friend who couldn’t get into the army because he’s too out of shape. They put him on some kind of a weight loss and fitness program and he couldn’t pull it together in time so they let him out of his contract.

As far as the rest of it goes…that’s one of the reasons why I home schooled. I always thought it was funny … Read Morewhen friends of mine would bitch about the schools or the school bus system or whatever…that’s what happens when you allow an institution to raise your kids! The decline in parenting skills is directly linked to the advent of compulsory public education. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard parents say (including my own parents), “Gee, you didn’t know that, what are they teaching you in school these days?” We ask kids to sit in chairs at desks all day and then feed them mass produced pizza and soda for lunch and then wonder why they’re fat and lazy!

The article I referenced for the story mentioned that The Armed Forces are no longer putting individuals who need to lose a few pounds, or more then a few for that matter, on pre-enlistment PT programs.  For the time being, they are able to meet recruiting goals without having to do this.  Most overweight prospects are simply being told “Thanks but No”

I do disagree with your assertion that public education is to blame for the decline in parenting skills.  It is a teachers job to educate students, not to raise them.

Ask any teacher what is the biggest hurdle they face and I am willing to bet that they will tell you it is the lack of parental involvement.

While I applaud you for taking the initiative to home school, compulsory public education has been around in this country since the 1850’s and if it were the absolute reason for the downfall of American youth, I think someone would have noticed before now.

I think it more appropriate to lay the blame at the feet of all Americans for not making education a priority.  Funds are routinely cut for physical education, with the exception of team sports, for which, oddly, money always seems to be found.

The simple fact is, teachers today battle parental indifference, a lack of funds and materials and ever growing class sizes.

I can’t help but think that if parents started treating teachers as educators instead of substitute care givers, our whole nation would be a lot better off.

Thank you for taking the time to comment on the piece and I look forward to hearing more from you in the future.

I feel kind of bad for the christian fundamentalist group American Family Association, I really do.

They just can’t get it right.

Back on November 11, they published this call to arms on their web page.

AFA is calling for a limited two-month boycott of Gap, Old Navy and Banana Republic, the three stores owned by San Francisco-based Gap Inc., over the company’s censorship of the word “Christmas.”

The boycott is part of our ongoing campaign to encourage businesses, communities and individuals to put Christ back in Christmas. The boycott runs from November 1 through Christmas Day.

For years, Gap has refused to use the word Christmas in its television commercials, newspaper ads and in-store promotions, despite tens of thousands of consumer requests to recognize Christmas and in spite of repeated requests from AFA to do the same.

Last year, Gap issued this politically-correct statement to Christmas shoppers: “Gap recognizes that many traditions are celebrated throughout this season and we feel it is important to display holiday signage that is inclusive to everyone.”

Christmas is special because of Jesus. It’s not just a “winter holiday.” For millions of Americans the giving and receiving of gifts is in honor of the One who gave Himself. For the Gap to pretend that isn’t the foundation of the Christmas season is political correctness at best and religious bigotry at worst.

The Gap is censoring the word Christmas, pure and simple. Yet the company wants all the people who celebrate Christmas to do their shopping at its stores? Until Gap proves it recognizes Christmas by using it in their newspaper, radio, television advertising or in-store signage, the boycott will be promoted.

In the past AFA has played a part in convincing other retailers to change their approach. For example, Sears backed away from its censorship of the word “Christmas” and now even offers a “Christmas Club” on its website.

Take Action

Sad, Sad, Sad.

I guess Jesus told them not to watch YouTube or TV because…



Now, surprisingly, this made no sense to me, so I did what any reasonable person would do.

I contacted AFA through the media contact form they so thoughtfully provided on their web page and sent the following inquiry;

Could you please explain your motives behind your November 11 announcement of a boycott against GAP for failing to use the word Christmas in their advertising.  I find it odd as the first line of their latest holiday jingle is “Go Christmas”.  Could you also please address the need to publish a list of Christmas unfriendly retailers?  I ask because the majority of groups such as yourselves wholeheartedly reject the commercialization of the holiday.
Does this mean that your group endorses the commercialization?
Thank you in advance for addressing these questions.
I assure you that your response will be published, unedited, as soon as it is received.
Warmest Regards
The Angry Jew.com

Stay tuned for the response.

The great Tofurky and Gravy Soda Challenge had to be canceled due to scheduling conflict.  It had nothing to do with one of the parties, who is not Jewish, having a massive, life threatening hangover, as was reported in the media.

New date and time to be announced as soon as the power of speech and motion are recovered.

It is the job of a strong business leader to stay one step ahead of the competition.

It is doubly true if your competition happens to be the United States Government.

Two industries are leading the way with innovative new programs to keep them ahead of the pack or, at least, ahead of the government.

Over the last few weeks, reports have surfaced that both the credit and drug industries have come up with ways to ensure their continuing strangle hold on American consumers and keep them ahead of upcoming government regulations.

With only a few short months until the Consumer Credit Protection Act goes into effect, 400 credit cards, making up 90% of the 89.8 Billion in outstanding consumer credit are still using tactics that will be against the law come February.

99.7 % of bank cards allowed issuers to boost interest rates on outstanding balances.

95% of bank cards are applying payments to low interest balances first.

90% have had penalty rate hikes for as little as one or two late payments per year.  The median bank penalty rate?  28.99%.

The average interest rate spiked in July to an average increase of 20% from December 2008, with some companies raising rates as much as 30% and in one case, as high as 50%.

I sure am glad we got Congress to vote us all these new protections and that all of us have learned our lesson from the recent economic downturn and are now living within our means and rejecting the “buy now/pay later” mentality, otherwise we could really be in trouble.

Not to be outdone, drug makers are living up to their promise to help control medical costs under the new health care reform bill by cutting 8 billion a year from our nations drug bill.

They are doing it by jacking up prescriptions drug costs by over 9%, the fastest rate in years.  Not bad considering that the Consumer Price index has DROPPED 1.3% over the last year.

The increase will cost American consumers 10 Billion dollars, effectively wiping out the savings that were supposed to be reaped under the first year of the health care reform bill.

Now some are arguing that this is just a tactic by the drug companies to set a higher benchmark price before legislation passes that will curb costs to consumers.

The drug companies counter that they are simply trying to raise much needed funds for medical research into more effective treatments.

I am sure it has nothing to do with the fact that patents on some of the most profitable name brand drugs are about to expire, thereby opening them up to generic competition.  They COULDN’T expect us to pay for all the R&D needed to keep their business profitable, could they?

Naww.

Its not like they did the same thing back a few years ago when Congress added drug benefits to Medicare, thereby saving tens of millions of dollars for older Americans.

Opps…wait…they did.

It’s just the same old story friends.

The rich will get richer and  big business will prosper because, after all, they are too big to fail, while the rest of us are just expendable pawns on the chess board that is The American Dream.

I have some good news for all those over protective parents out there who are worried about junior running off and seeking adventure by enlisting in the armed forces.

The odds are, he or she won’t be able to get in.

According to a a recent report titled “Ready, Willing and Unable to Serve”, 75% of all Americans age 17 to 24 are ineligible for military service due to obesity, the lack of a high school diploma or a criminal record.

75%.

Retired Rear Admiral James Barnett said “Our national security in 2030 is absolutely dependent on what is going on in our kindergartens today.”

Obesity alone will keep out 27% of all applicants, as will being the single parent of a dependent child and a bad credit score.  Of those that do make the grade, 7 to 15% will not be able to complete basic training.

What the hell are you parents doing out there?

What is it going to take to make you realize that you are raising a generation of Wheeble shaped (oh come on, remember, “Wheebles wobble but the don’t fall down”), Stay Puft marshmallow children who can’t do basic math?

How bad do things have to get before you realize that it is not the kids fault that they have hyper developed thumbs from too much XBox and that Juniors legs have become vestigial organs.

Vestigial?  Fuck you, look it up.

Yes, parenting is hard.  It will require you to curtail your own selfish nihilistic pursuits and actually focus your lives and attention on your creations.

It is not societies problem.

It is not the teachers job to raise your kids.

It is not up to the Michael Vicks of the world to provide your kids with role models.

For fucks sake, shut off the computer right now and get to parenting.

There is no fucking reason that public and private entities should be spending 150 million dollars annually to fund a program that uses research, projects and activities to teach you lazy fucks by promoting “healthy” marriages, and to promote “involved committed and responsible fatherhood.”

Don’t believe me that we would actually waste taxpayer money on this drivel?

They provide information for Pacific Islanders and Asians, African Americans and Hispanics.  I guess if you are white, you are supposed to have figured this all out for yourselves.

It’s a pretty simple equation people.

Either start parenting your children or take advantage of the next great idea to come from the government.

Free lessons in Farsi and Mandarin Chinese.

I know i am going to catch hell from my female readers for saying this, but…

The Stripper Mobile

WE NEED THIS IN PORTLAND!!!!

This shot was taken on the Las Vegas Strip and features a dancer from the Deja Vu Showgirls Club performing a bikini dance in a plexi-sided UHaul to drum up business for the club.

We already have more strip clubs per capita then any other state and besides, strippers need work too.

i·ro·ny (r-n, r-)n. pl. i·ro·nies 1.

a. The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning.

b. An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning.

In 1997, Lima Ohio State Trooper was honored by Mothers Against drunk Drivers for making more DUI stops then any other Trooper in Lima.

In 2002, he was named Trooper of The Year in Lima.

In 2009, his title was changed to “The Accused”.

Trooper Gerald Gibson was taken into custody on Sunday when was observed crossing the center divider by a Waynesfield Police Officer.   Waynsfield is about 12 miles from Lima.

Trooper Tipsy refused to take a Breathalyzer test and was taken into custody on suspicion of DUI.  A State Patrol Spokesman said that Gibson was off duty at the time of his arrest and will taking some leave time.

There was no word from MAD as to whether or not they will be reclaiming his award.