The Angry Jew

The rantings of an Angry Jew in The Pacific Northwest

Eric Slye, 36, of Gallitin County, Montana received a summons to appear for jury duty in his District Court.

In an attempt to avoid serving, he submitted the following affidavit requesting to be excused.

Apparently you morons did not understand me the first time.  I CANNOT take time off work.  I will not put my family’s well being at stake to participate in this crap.  I don’t believe in our justice system and don’t want to have a goddam thing to do with it.  Jury duty is a complete waste of time.  I would rather count the wrinkles on a dogs balls then serve on a jury.  Get it through your thick skulls.  Leave me the F__k alone.

Did it work?

Apparently his affidavit pissed off the judge who threatened to throw his ass in jail.

Slye appeared in court and apologized for his letter.

Then, he was excused from jury duty.

Who knew?

Too Fracking Funny.




“Speeding, Drinking, Nudity -they’re not bad things”

University of Oregon Ultimate Frisbee Team Co-Captain Dusty Becker attempting to defend the actions of the team.  The team has been banned from further compition this season for their antics.

Who says virtue is not it’s own reward.

Many of you have read of my recent adventure of playing tour guide to LittleOne and her friend, visiting our fair city from the farthest reaches of The Deep South, who I lovingly dubbed The Mississippi Belle.

What?

What do you mean you have no idea what I am talking about?

You know, if this relationship is going to work, you are going to have to start doing some of the work.

Fine, take a minute to catch up.

Are you with us now?

Good.

Anyway, one the things we discussed during her visit was my love of Southern style food.

Years ago, the Navy saw fit to send me to a little town in Tennessee, Millington to be precise, to attend The Naval Aviation Technical Training Center.  It was there that my love affair with Southern food began.

Grits, Chicken Fried Steak, greens and REAL BBQ, washed down with gallons of PBR and RC cola started me down the road to what would become a life long love affair with southern cuisine and the lost art of graciousness and hospitality that went with them.

One of the things I have missed most has been Moon Pies, those calorie laden treats that you can only find occasionally here in the Northwest.

Well I must have made mention of that fact during The Mississippi Belles visit, for low and behold, in my mailbox yesterday, I discovered a thank you gift from The Belle herself.

AN ENTIRE BOX OF MOON PIES

Who does that anymore?

Amber, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart.  Your gift was very touching and brought back many incredible memories, both of my time in the south and of the brief time I got to spend with you while you were here.

Please know that when next you decide to visit The Rose City, I am at your service and look forward to seeing you again.

Ummm…does anyone know where I can find RC Cola here in Portland?

I should start by saying that I am not a vodka drinker.

That is to say, if given the choice, I would choose a good tequila or bourbon to sip before a vodka.

Sure, I enjoy a good Bloody Mary, I make a mean one if I do say so myself, and a Screwdriver is a fine way to take the edge off a hangover, but straight vodka?

Not really my style.

Last night BBQ Brandon stopped by after work and I offered him the opportunity to sample my latest acquisition.  Now to be fair to the makers of Crystal Head, BBQ Brandon is not much of a vodka drinker either.  He has had a few more experiences with high end vodkas then I have, but he, like me, would not make it his first choice.

We poured the chilled Crystal Head into equally chilled tall shot glasses and sipped.

YUM.

Silky and creamy on the tongue, the vodka had an excellent mouth feel.  It went down smoothly with a slightly peppery finish.  It was a crisp and clean experience.  I could easily see myself drinking a few of these chilled pleasers, perhaps with a slightly salty snack to compliment the vodka.

Was Crystal Head Vodka worth the wait and the cost at $56 for the 750ml bottle?

Despite the obviously ham handed promotion by Dan Akroyd, I found it to be a pleasant experience well worth the headaches it took to get it.

OK, here is an interesting scenario for you to ponder.

Let us say you are a college senior and you have just taken your final exam.

Your teacher hands you your graded exam.  You got a B-, but then the professor tells you to go home, review your results, and then, if you are not happy with your grade, to come to his office in a few days and he will allow you to present your arguments for a higher grade.

New policy for a California University?

No, that would be silly.

This is how YOUR Federal government is grading the recent “Stress Test” given to our major financial institutions.

On Friday, The Federal Reserve privately gave the 19 largest banks the preliminary results of the recent round of Stress Tests, tests designed to determine if the banks were adequately capitalized to withstand an even deeper recession.

Banking executives took the data home over he weekend and have until today to present their arguments on why the Fed should raise the scores given to them.  The banks fear that being found to have insufficient capitol would hurt shareholders and put profits at risk.

So, let me get this straight…

NOW THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT THEIR STOCKHOLDERS????????

Give me a fucking break here.

The banks will receive their final scores this Friday and the results will be made public on May 4th, long enough, I am sure, to give the banks plenty of time to get their well financed PR machines up to speed and to spin the results to their advantage.

It makes me nauseous to think that after all the American public has been through, the homes lost, the lives ruined, that OUR Federal Government is bending over backwards to make these schmucks look like they actualy know what they are doing.

Nothing like creating a city wide panic in Manhattan to get the work week off to a rousing start.

Hundreds of workers fled their offices this morning after looking out their office windows and catching a glimpse of a large, low flying jet being chased by an Air Force fighter.

Was it another 9/11 attack?

Another plane trying to set down in The Hudson River?

How about a photo op by the the military?

It seems the Air Force decided Lower Manhattan would make an excellent back drop for a large 747 type jet flying low, so they sent the fighters up to record the images.  They notified the NYPD, The Mayors office and the FAA about their plans.

It a shame no one thought to notify the general public.

I mean come on, who in New York City is going to notice a large plane flying at roof top height in the Big Apple, right?

Many thanks to Cable Guy Dave for providing me with the proof that not only is the Zombie Apocalypse real, it is coming sooner then we think.  I just would have never guessed that it would be Avon bringing it to us.  I present the following evidence for your perusal;

First, an ad for Avons latest product, DermaFull




Now, an ad for the Zombie Classic, Resident Evil2




There you have it my friends, what more evidence do you need.

Could this be all part of larger conspiracy?

Could Amway be behind The Swine Flu epidemic sweeping the globe?

Is Global Warming a plot by WalMart?

I think not, more likely just another example of really bad marketing.  You would think that they could pay people to check these kinds of things out.

“…it must be a Southern Thing.”

“What?  Like inbreeding?”

With many thanks to Liquor Store Grant and a nod to the OLCC, I am pleased to report that my Crystal Head Vodka arrived safely and is awaiting the proper company to do an official tasting.  This was almost not the case.

It seems that the store received 2 bottles of Crystal Head and they were BOTH placed on the shelf.  One sold right away and Grant, being Grant, LEFT THE OTHER ONE ON THE SHELF.  It was fortunate for Grant that mine was not sold as well.  After waiting 6 months for this stuff, I would have been one Cranky Jew indeed.

No odd noises or manifestations from the freezer so far