I have had it with the whole election process. I’m done, finished, fed up. It does not make any sense.
Here in Oregon, we don’t even hold our Primary until May, and by then, the field has been winnowed down to the candidates who are most likely to get nominated anyway. What is the point? By the time I get around to voting, my candidate has more then likely dropped out of the race, and who knows, maybe it was the one guy (or gal, or hermaphrodite for all I care) who all of Oregon wanted.
Now friends, we all know what The Angry Jew does when a system is broken…
He Fixes It
So, with no further ado, I present to you the …
Angry Jew Presidential Election Plan
On the 1st of January of the election year, who so ever can prove they have the resources to conduct an 11 month campaign may announce their official candidacy for the office of President. I don’t want anyone getting my hopes up and then not have the funds to make it to the end.
During the period 1 January to 1 March the candidates may stump, campaign, debate and generally carry on like the idiots they are.
On March 3rd, a National Primary Vote will take place. Each legal citizen of The United States may vote for one candidate from each of the main political parties plus one independent. Exit polls and media predictions of winners will be banned under pain of being forced to watch every episode of The Rosie O’Donnell Show.
On March 10th, the election authorities will announce the winners of the popular vote. The top two members of each party plus the top two independents will be placed on the National Presidential ballot. The rest will receive the Government booklet “What to do now that you have blown $20,000,000 and still didn’t get past the primary” free of charge.
From March 10th to May 10th, the remaining candidates will enter into seclusion to formulate their plan for bringing the nation forward during their term in office. This seclusion will take place in any inner city of the candidates home state of record. They will receive a monthly stipend equal to the social security payout received by a 70 year old retired school bus driver. The candidate may not receive an additional financial support but will be allowed to work off the books in either the service, landscaping, or construction industries. No campaigning will be allowed during this period. Any leaks or attempts by any candidate to gather intelligence as to what the others candidates plans are, will result in their removal from the race and they will be required to be cast members on MTV Real World: Duluth.
During the period of May 10th to June 10th, each candidate will receive 1 hour of prime time television coverage to present their plan to the nation. Plans must be submitted in writing and may not be changed after the June 10th deadline. The presentation must be in plain English and be understandable to anyone who has appeared on “Are You Smarter Then A 5th Grader.”
Once all the candidates have presented their plan, they will renter seclusion while the nation debates the various plans. In order to ensure every American is familiar with the plans, their will be a requirement that all the elements of each plan be incorporated into the plot lines of all network sitcoms, the top 10 rated network dramas, and all newspaper comic strips. The national debate will take place between June 10th and the end of August . While in seclusion, candidates will be forbidden to have access to the media except for appearances on late night talk shows.
The period August 1 to Sept 30 will be set aside for all candidates to go through military basic training. Failure to complete this training will result in their removal from the race.
From October 1st to November 1st, the candidates will engage in face to face debates and mudslinging. The debates will be chaired by the last actor to play the President in a motion picture. Questions will be submitted via the internet and any found to be planted by a candidate or their staff will result in the candidates removal from the race. The new media will not be allowed to participate in the debate process except to judge the candidates on Poise, Beauty and Originality. Personal attacks are not required to have any truth to them because, hey, they are politicians and no one is going to believe anything they say anyway.
On November 4th , the Presidential Election will be held. This again will be by a popular vote , no one understands the electoral college anyway, open to all legal residents of the United States. As during the primaries, no exit polling or media predictions will be allowed. The winner will be announced no later then November 14th on a 1 hour special episode of The Simpsons. The individual receiving the 2nd largest number of votes will serve as the Vice President. If they are unable to complete their duties, the 2nd runner up will take his or her place.
Well my friends, there you have it. A simple, easy way to elect our next president in 2012 without all the shenanigans of this election.
I hate to sound like chicken little here, but something may soon be falling on our head, and it isn’t rain drops.
The US Military, FEMA and The Department of Homeland Security are all planning for the return of a US spy satellite in late February or early March. US 193, which was launched in December of 06, lost power immediately after launch and has been out of control since.
Air Force Gen. Gene Renuart, who heads the U.S. Northern Command, has stated publicly that the military believes that the satellite will reenter somewhere over North America. Federal Officials are trying to put plans in place in the event the satellite hits the ground in The United States as well as plans to render assistance if it falls in Mexico or Canada.
The satellite has been estimated by amateur astronomers to weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 tons and to contain toxic hydrazine, which it uses for fuel. The military has said that will be impossible to predict which parts of the satellite might survive reentry, and they will only have a vague idea of the potential impact point until it actually enters the earths atmosphere, which will be roughly 30 minutes before impact.
In 1979, the US space station Skylab, weighing in at 77,088 Kilograms, made an uncontrolled reentry and scattered debris over the Indian Ocean and parts of Western Australia. The US State Department was served with a $400 fine by the township of Esperance, Australia for littering. That fine was never paid.
So, watch the sky’s folks, but don’t worry, the fine folks who responded to Katrina are on the case.
Ryan Hobson of Seattle, Washington is having trouble finding a manufacturer for his new board game. I don’t see why.
Maybe it’s the concept. It is a trivia game, of sorts. Maybe they think it has been done to death.
Maybe it’s because it is a board game. With all the action and gore in video games, maybe the board game industry is laying in an alley like a carved up hooker?
Or perhaps it’s the title.
The game is called Serial Killer.
It plays like just about any other trivia game. The players roll a die and move their pieces around the board. When they land on a “victims” house they get to answer a trivia question such as “What do the initials in the name BTK Strangler mean?” (the correct answer is bind, torture, kill) If the player gets the question right, they receive a color coded “baby”. Be the first to collect all your babies and your the winner.
Oh get off your high horses, you know you want to play it too.
We are fascinated with violence in this country. Hell, woman throw themselves at death row inmates. Serial killer memorabilia is traded on Ebay. We enjoy violence in all our forms of entertainment media and that is fine as long as everyone stays fully clothed. Show a mutilated corpse on CSI, no problem. Show a womans butt on NYPD Blue, well the FCC just levied a 1.43 million dollar fine against ABC for a 2003 episode in which a womans bare backside was shown.
The FCC stated that “We find that the programming at issue is within the scope of our indecency definition because it depicts sexual organs and excretory organs — specifically an adult woman’s buttocks,”.
This put Disney, the parent company of ABC, in the position of having to argue that a womans buttocks is not a sexual organ. I guess Minnie never gave up the brown eye.
So, yes, if Serial Killer hits the stores, I will be first in line to buy it.
With the completion of Florida’s primary, two more hopefuls have dropped out. John Edwards has said bye bye to the Democrats and Americas mayor, Rudy Giuliani, is expected to announce he is withdrawing from the race sometime today.
Hillary came out on top in Florida, which means absolutely nothing as the Demoratic Party spanked the state when they moved up their Primary. John McCain took top honors for the Republicans.
With all these changes to the field, I decided to take another trip to Electoralcompass.com to see who was the best fit for this Angry Jew.
Addressing concerns from law enforcement agencies around the nation, Hershey is canceling production of it’s Icebreakers Pacs, the companies latest entry into the mint market.
Pictured here, one can see the resemblance to the heat sealed packages used in the distribution of heroin and methamphetemines. Authorities feared that children finding packets of illicit drugs would be tempted to put them into their mouths, thinking it was candy.
In other drug enforcement news, The DEA announced they will be stepping up enforcement activities on oregano, confectioners sugar, baking soda, and baby laxatives.
In his State of The Union address yesterday, King George II vowed to veto any legislation in which congressional earmarks were not cut in half.
No, he is not demanding half a mole as tribute.
He was speaking of what used to be known as “Pork Barrel” politics. Those special spending projects that get tacked onto legislation to fund projects in Senators home states. Sometimes these projects are needed improvements to infrastructure, but a lot of it is just wasteful spending, such as Alaska’s bridge to nowhere.
It is a shame that King George didn’t take this stance last year, when Congressional earmarks cost taxpayers 16.9 Billion dollars, but hey, at least we stand to save around 9 Billion this year.
Why with those kind off savings, we could fund the war in Iraq for SIX WHOLE WEEKS. (current estimates put the war at around 177 million per day.)
Way to look out for the little guy, George. Keep up the good work.
I found a tiny little 7 line story buried on page five of the paper today regarding a new legislation signed into law by King George II yesterday.
The new legislation prohibits the Pentagon from selling left over F14 Tomcat fighter parts , this after we accidentally sold a bunch to Iran last year. Iran, by the way, is the only country we ever exported the air superiority fighter to.
One of the true joys of writing this blog is when one of my opinions becomes fact. Case in point.
Back in November I shared with you the tale of a father who wanted to have his 12 year old son circumcised as part of the boys conversion to Judaism. The father wanted to do this against the wishes of his X wife and no one had thought to ask what the boy wanted. The father argued in court that as the custodial parent, he and he alone had the right to decide if the boy would undergo the procedure.
Now in that article I made the point that “The child is now 12. At 12, I knew that my penis was going to be my best friend for life and needed to be protected at all costs. If some one wanted to go after my wang with a knife, I would be scared shitless. I say, the child’s desires are the only ones that count.”
Well friends the Oregon Supreme Court seems to agree with me. In a decision Friday they sent the case back to a Medford trial judge to determine what the boy in fact wants.
“We think that no decision should be made without some assessment of (the boy’s) true state of mind.” the court said.
Glad to help guys, if you have any other cases you would like my help on, just shoot them my way. The Angry Jew is here for you.
I want to start my review by sharing with you a fond memory. It was 1985 and my aircraft carrier, The USS Midway, had just completed a 112 day deployment in the Indian Ocean. The powers that be decided it would be a good thing to turn us loose in Perth, Australia for a 5 day liberty.
On the second night I found myself in a dance club called Pips. It was the hottest dance club in Perth. Two stories tall, enough lights to be seen from space, a sound system that made your ears bleed, smoke machines and something that had just made it’s appearance, a video wall.
I clearly remember watching scenes from the movie Rambo 2. John Rambo was kicking the Russians ass, we knew who the enemy was in those days, and Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in The USA” was the sound track. There we were, 500 strong, singing an anti war anthem at the tops of our lungs. OK, so in those days we were proud, just not very smart.
I went into Rambo4 hoping to feel some of those emotions again.
I am sad to report that all I felt after the experience was a little queasy.
Flanked by The Happy Atheist and Contractor Dave, I attended a Sunday matinée screening this weekend. I guess Sly is not as big a draw as he used to be, because the small auditorium was only about a quarter full.
The best thing I can say about the film, written and directed by Stallone, was that he used his head. He only gave himself about 20 lines in the whole movie. He spent most of the film glaring into the camera and treating the viewer to his intimidating “Thousand Yard Stare.”
There was a very well done dream sequence where Rambo relives his tortured past and remembers all the things that brought him to where his is today, catching snakes in Thailand for a local Cobra show.
I am not going to go over the plot because it quickly becomes superfluous to the real star of the movie, the gore.
I have to believe that half of the movies budget went to stage blood and fake body parts. I wasn’t enough to have an explosion when someone stepped on a land mine, instead the viewer is treated to a chunky pink mist. Why have a person drop when shot by a fifty caliber sniper rifle when we can show the head flying off or a fist sized hole in the torso.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good gory movie. When Contractor Dave and I watched House of Wax, we must have played the scene where Paris Hilton gets a pipe shoved through her head 5 or 6 times. This was different. It was almost pornographic. I am all for violence in movies, I think the final sequence in Taxi Driver was one of the best ever filmed, but the gore in Rambo 4 was obviously gratuitous and did nothing to advance the so called plot.
This film will also receive the NAMBLA seal of approval for a completely unneeded scene of the head bad guy taking a young boy into his quarters for a little R&R. By that point, you already hated the guy, but not to worry, John Rambo dispatches him in a particularly gruesome manner at the films climax.
I love a good gore fest, zombie movies make me giggle, but this just left me feeling bad.
Will I buy the DVD?
Only if they release an unrated directors cut. I just HAVE to see what Sly thought didn’t belong in the movie.
