The Angry Jew

The rantings of an Angry Jew in The Pacific Northwest

The two were charged with being Felony Stupid.

Driving a full sized pick up truck gives you a unique view of the world.

You spend a lot of time seeing more of your fellow drivers then you would often like too.

Like the time Mona and I were driving down the road next to a woman who had her dogs leash hanging out of her car door, bouncing along just inches from the rear tire.  I swear to you, if a dogs face could express panic, this pooch had it locked.

But never in my life have I ever seen anything even remotely like what I read on The Smoking Gun yesterday,

Colondra Hamilton, 36, was pulled over last Tuesday evening in a traffic stop triggered when cops noticed she was driving a 2008 Pontiac with overly tinted windows.

That’s when officers noticed that Hamilton’s pants were unbuttoned. And she had a vibrator in her lap. Questioned by cops, Hamilton admitted to engaging in auto erotic manipulation, and revealed that she had also been watching a porno movie that was playing on the laptop of a friend in the passenger seat.

Jesus, where do you start.

I guess that all that can be said is that there is a whole new definition of “Friend” that I was previously unaware of.

Maybe I need to make the T Shirt.

“A true friend holds your porno while you jerk off in traffic.”

Perhaps Colandra’s mug shot explains it all.

Just call her Sticky Fingers

Who does not like Pork.

Can anyone reading this pass on a side of Bacon, a moist grilled pork chop, a marinated pork tenderloin.

No, I think just about everyone loves pork, or, as The National Pork Board would have us think of it, “The Other White Meat”

The problem is, The National Pork Board does not like unicorn meat, especially when it is marketed as “The New White Meat”.

As a matter of fact, their lawyers sent a cease and desist order to the owners of my favorite website, ThinkGeek.com, after, as an April Fools prank, the company offered canned unicorn meat for sale.  They do this every April 1st.

Now, anyone who has done business with them know they are famous for their prank products, like The Dharma Initiative Alarm Clock or Squeeze Bacon.  What is interesting is that some of their customer favorites go on to become real best selling products.

Not so in this case, just another prank product, just a laugh for the customers.

Well, no one was laughing when this letter arrived at ThinkGeek HQ.

Proof positive that lawyers have no freaking sense of humor.

Well, ThinkGeek has removed the offending ad and offered a ten dollar discount to any customer that took offense to their little prank.

“It was never our intention to cause a national crisis and misguide American citizens regarding the differences between the pig and the unicorn,” said Scott Kauffman, president and CEO of Geeknet. “In fact, ThinkGeek’s canned unicorn meat is sparkly, a bit red, and not approved by any government entity.”

I had pretty given up on writing.  There really is nothing new to rant about.  It has all been the same stuff, repeated over and over.  I guess I had given up, but, as I sit here on the cusp of another melt down, I realize that the cathartic value of writing this page was something I vastly underestimated.

It came on, as it always seems at first, out of the blue, and on reflection, as they always are, the warning signs were all there.

Thoughts of self harm, hopelessness , things slipping out of control.

Those closest to me, that really know me, must be thinking “What the hell is wrong with this guy, he is on top of the world, he finally got his shit together, got an incredible woman, what the hell does he have to be depressed about?”

Like an alcoholic who thinks he has beaten his disease, I failed to recognize one infallible truth, that I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life.  I thought, wrongly, that I had this thing beat, so, like our fictional addict, I stopped working my program, ignored the warning signs, and here I am again,  one step away from another visit to the happy house.

I had an incredible weekend.  Cooking as a housewarming present for some new friends,spending time with Mona, why should I acknowledge the fact that I was not eating right, not meditating, not sleeping, not managing my stresses both at work and at home, not exercising…not doing anything that would allow me to continue living this wonderful life that fate has handed me.

I ignored the thoughts of self harm, I must just be tired, after all, I would never do anything like that, right?

I allowed my personal affairs to slide into disarray, those dishes piling up, the laundry left undone, clothes not put away, I am just busy right?  I will catch up NEXT weekend, but next weekend never came, but hey, thats life.

Why should I worry about the emotional highs and lows that seemed to come at random, everyone has moods that change in a matter of moments, I am NORMAL dammit!

I mean, there I was, stressed to my very core that I was going to somehow ruin a meal I had made a hundred times, telling myself that even if they enjoyed it, they were only saying so to be polite, even though I know rationally that my BBQ rocks.

So I hear I sit, trying desperately to undo a months worth of harmful behavior, trying to decide if I need to go to the hospital after another night of tossing and turning.

I want to enjoy this life I have made for myself…I have everything I need, real friends who love me for who I am, not what I can do for them, a good job that, deep down, and don’t tell my boss this, that I enjoy and find challenging, and an incredible woman who is determined to see me through my darkest of days and who acknowledges that she can’t fix my problems, only support me while I fix them myself.

I want desperately to do right by all these people, but the only way to that is to do right by myself.

To those of you reading this who are new to my life, let me assure you, YOU did not cause this, YOU can not fix this, only I can.

To those of you who have been down this road with me before, well, here we go again.  I have had a real good example of what can happen when these type of issues are not dealt with and that is a road I refuse to travel.

The other day I was driving to work and got stuck behind a care with three or four bumper stickers at a long light.

Now, this guy had about four of them , obviously placed there for my education and amusement.

The first was for a Christian Radio Station.  No problem there, I will admit that I have enjoyed an occasional christian Rock tune, and there are some Christian metal bands that flat out Rock!

The next advised me to “Thank Your Mother For Choosing Life.”  Well, OK, for the moment we will ignore the obvious paradox presented and read on.

Next up was one telling me , in no uncertain terms, his stance on abortion.  Bright red, 4 inch letters proclaimed that my road partner was “Pro Mother; Pro Child, Pro Life”.

Then last, smaller then the rest, was a notice explaining “Freedom Isn’t Free…Thank A Serviceman”

While I thank him for the advice, and the props, your very welcome by the way, I really wanted to to follow this guy and ask a few questions.

Like, Isn’t a freedom of choice in reproductive health one of those freedoms that us servicemen paid for.

And, being such a supporter of the Armed Forces, are you really saying that it is OK to kill adults, but keep your hands off the fetus.

Buddy, I respect your right to voice an opinion, but do us all a favor, pick one stance and stick with it, will you.

Bacon Betty and I surprised ourselves Saturday by going out and taking a walk.  I know, shocking, right?

I found this great book while wandering through Powell’s a few weeks back.  It is called “Walk There-50 Treks In and Around Portland and Vancouver”.  It is a guidebook for walking tours of Portland’s neighborhoods.  It is amazing how little of this city I have seen in my ten years here and now that I have a fantastic crime partner like Bacon Betty, it was high time I got out and saw some of what this city has to offer.

We decided to stick close to home for our first outing and explored Betty’s home town…Milwaukie.

Little did I know that besides being home to a geek Mecca, Dark Horse Comics, Milwaukie also offers something that I thought no longer existed in America.

Something that, for years, had shaped and molded our youth and then, like the Hula Hoop, disappeared from the American landscape.

I speak of course, of the Killer Play Structure.

Gaze with wonder upon this child killer we found in a Milwaukie Park.

Can’t you just see some little urchin reaching the top of this cabled peak, only to loose their balance and learn the amazing life lesson that getting to the top can mean a long painful fall to the bottom of the heap.  Where else can our youth find life lessons like this?

On a wimp ass, politically correct, injury free playhouse like this one that we found in the more upscale portion of Milwaukie?

I think not.

Kudos to this fair city for having the strength of character to not cave into the national obsession of bubble wrapping kids and keeping them from harms way.

How else of we supposed to winnow out the weak and potentially useless members of society before they grow old enough to attain political office?

Every now and then, the state of Oregon will pass a law that makes sense.

I know, but hey, accidnts happen.

Our new cell phone law is an example of a much needed piece of legislation.  It bans using hand held devices while driving.  Since most people in this state cant seem to walk and chew gum, I figure it is a good idea that they not talk on the phone and drive.  Almost every time I have had a near miss or witnessed some act of vehicular stupidity, the offender has almost always had a cell phone clutched in their sweaty fist.

So the other morning, while driving home from a long nights work, I could not help but being annoyed when a driver swerved half way into my lane, and then back into her own.

It was a little early in the morning for a drunk and IU suspected a cell phone must be involved.

Sure enough, a block later I was sitting right next to the offending driver waiting to make a left turn.  There she was, cell phone pressed to her ear, oblivious to the world around her.  Now the light in question is one of those “long” lights that take about a week and a half to change, so, being me, I decided to have a little fun.

I tooted my horn to get her attention.

When she looked over, I made a “shame, shame” finger gesture at her, then held my hand to my ear to simulate talking on an imaginary phone.

She smiled and gave a a shy little wave as if to say, “Yes, I know I’m a bad girl” and went right on jabbering away.

I tooted my horn again and when she looked over, I held up my bluetooth headset.  She mouthed, “I know” and then shrugged as if to say “I know I shouldn’t be doing this.”

I tooted my horn again and this time motioned for her to roll down her window.

When she did, I gave her a friendly little wave and shouted

“You damn near ran me off the road so HANG UP THE FUCKING PHONE!”

I only had a few seconds to savor the shocked look on her face before the light turned green and off I drove, content in the knowledge that maybe, just maybe, I had saved a life that day.

Maybe it is being in a new and healthy relationship, maybe it is getting adjusted to working a graveyard shift, but lately, I have just been very angry lately, much to my friends disgust.  I can be pretty schmaltzy when I am happy, which Bacon Betty has made me in the extreme these last few months.

With that in mind, a piece in this afternoons (morning’s) paper had me spitting coffee across the table.

Effective Thursday, a new law goes into effect that frees that enslaved class of Americans, the flying public.

The new regulations are a result of an incident that occurred in December of 2006, when passengers were held on board an American Airlines flight that was en route to Dallas and was diverted to Austin.  Passengers were held on board the aircraft for 11 HOURS!

The new regulations will impose a fine of $27500 per passenger on any airline that holds passengers hostage for more then 3 hours.  Another example of government reacting to a real problem for a change, score a victory for the little guy, right?

Well, not according to David Castleveter of the Airline Transportation Association of America, an industry lobbying group.

According to David the new regulations will only cause more cancellations, more missed connections, more mishandled bags and more passengers who will not get where they want to go.

DA’Fuck?

How fucking hard is it to pull an air stair up to a cabin door and let people get off the aircraft to stretch their legs and take a leak, David?

How deeply would it cut into corporate profits to have a facility located inside the secure area of the airport equipped with restrooms, coffee, a few vending machines and maybe a phone or two, and maybe (gasp) a smoking area, so that the passengers YOU strand could maybe feel a bit human.

You would only need one such facility per airport, I am sure all these big airlines can learn to play together, a few bus’s to transport the passengers, and maybe a TSA officer or two to keep passengers from wandering off.

Come on now David, it’s not like that facility is NEVER going to get used or anything.

I find it interesting that instead of embracing these changes and vowing to better serve the customers that pay your freaking bills, the airline trade associations instead decide to issue threats.  Pretty telling, don’t you think?

I don’t fly very much these days and, knock wood, I have never had to endure being stranded on the tarmac for hours on end, but considering the fact that they are charging a fee for everything but breathing, opps, wait a minute, strike that, I don’t want to give the airlines any ideas, you would think that the airlines would be just a bit more concerned for their customers.

I guess I just have to be a little more realistic, it isn’t as if sheeple are going to stop lining up to be abused in the name of profits, right?

Actual text messages received today from the vivacious Bacon Betty.

504 PM

Did I love you, my big ol teddy bear man?  Good Nap?

Love?  PANIC!!!!

506 PM

Did I LOSE you, my big teddy bear man? Hahaha. Oops

Hahaha indeed.  Not going to have any trouble staying awake tonight.

You just can’t have enough porn and now, even the visually impaired can get in on the fun.

A new book, Tactile Mind, features the first “Feelie” porn.  While a braille edition of Playboy has been available for many years, Lisa J Murphy’s  work is the first to have sculpted and thermoformed images.

But porn for the blind does not come cheap…yes…I know…but who can resist a pun like that…the book of erotic photographs sells for a hefty $225 dollars.  Enclosed is a not safe for work image from the book.

A tactile picture of a woman’s naked chest. She leans against a wall, her arms outstretched to her sides. She wears a simple white cardboard mask, and a single gold bracelet.